jokes

this is a tread im making to post jokes and other funny things, and please dont let me see anyone posting "thats a stupid joke" or otherwise trying to flame

now remember i am a redneck, and im from kentucky, but i like redneck jokes so anyone with a few funny ones feel free to post them, here is a funny little thing i found, and its kinda true

ToothBrush
The ToothBrush had to be invented in Kentucky because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethBrush.

another good one:

Dead Hick
Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

You Know You're a Redneck if...
Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.

Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."

Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."

Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.

Your wife is sister and your daughter

You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.

On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.

Them Texans
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Deer Hunting
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus
1. Viruses are free.

2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.

3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.

4. Viruses don't have major bugs.

5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.

6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.

7. Viruses aren't on every computer.

8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...

9. Viruses install themselves

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!"
And she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on toher hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from y our carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

What part of broke do you not understand?

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
"Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!" The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"

>Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
>marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just
>HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
>
>The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.
>We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
>chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
>drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
>Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
>to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have
>to satisfy her sexual urges.
>You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
>The salary is
>$200,000 a year."
>
>The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullcraping me! "
>
>The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."

I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
You would too if your name was Uahahahahenanel

Whats helen keller's favorite color?
Black

Why cant Helen Keller Drive?
Because she's a woman.

whats black and blue but red all over..?




The mob i killed after he stole my chest i dug up!

Train Ticket

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one
of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats,
but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket,
please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after
the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her
toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than
women!

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in.

She turned, her sad face brightening at the sight of him and said,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all,
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Here is a resume for you consideration.
resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent b e to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job
thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me
taken at
my last jobb.

Nursing Home


Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having
a
smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,
and
continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties),
but politely asked what brand she preferred.

One for the Men: Custody Hearing

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody

of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his
chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and
a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

Don't laugh, he won!

A man asks a woman if she ever had magic sex. She says no.
How do you do it? He says it easy, we have sex and you disappear!

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first
graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to say:

Red......................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange.................Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating
them, none of the children could identify the taste .

"Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're ass-holes!"

ALL JOKES ASIDE FOR A SECOND PLEASE!!!!

33 kids woke up Monday in Virginia and did not know it would be their last day of life.
Life is to short
So I am writing to tell you that I love you all mud players.
And Most of all i love you Celeborn and Jubei

Ex-Husband
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Zidane, you ommitted the punch line of the old lady/condom joke, which made it just kind of a lame story instead. Here it is, a little more Americanized (drugstore vs. chemist):

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Here's another that always gets a chuckle out of me (it's a bit long):

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: my loving wife
Subject: i've arrived
Date: December 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Remember When (Classic)

A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A
window was something you hated to clean.... And RAM was the
cousin of a goat.....

MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle
finger upright Now they all mean different things And that
really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A
cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank
account And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy You hoped nobody found
out

Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you
did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be
in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip
on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup
happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web
was a spider's home And a virus was the flu

I guess i'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my
head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when
it happens they wish they were dead


************************************************

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!


1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with
chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your
face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors
awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.


**************************************************

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...

.....Tech Support calls "You" for help. .....Someone at work
tells you a joke and you say LOL .....You have called out
someone's screen name while making love to your significant
other. .....You keep begging your friends to get an account so
"we can hang out" .....you have to get a second phone line just
so you can call Domino's .....you've ever typed "drinking on
AOL is better than drinking alone" .....you have a vanity car
tag with your screen name on it .....you no longer type with
proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
.....you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing .....when
someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
.....you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night
when your spouse is asleep. .....you know more about your AOL
friends daily routines than you do your own family's. .....you
lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain
that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook .....you
have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close
to your own .....you would rather tell people your bloodshot
eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night
on-line) .....you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out
onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one .....you
marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own
computers and chat to each other every night from across the
room .....you type messages to people while you are on the
phone with them at the same time .....you won't work at a job
that doesn't have a modem involved ....you sign on and
immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their
buddy lists ....you look at an annoying person off-line and
wish you had your ignore button handy ....you have withdrawls
if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours
....you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have
one...hehehe) ....your buddy list has over 100 people on it
....you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is
get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee ....you
wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to sign on
....you don't know where the time has gone ....you end
sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in
pen/pencil. ....your relationship online has gone farther than
any real one you have had ....you get up at 2am to go the
bathroom but go turn on your computer instead ....you don't
even notice anymore when someone has a typo ....when you enter
a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***
....you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno
and lemme ....your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB,
leave your s/n and I will TTYL" ....you type faster than you
think ....being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult ...you are
on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say
"BRB" or "BBL" ....you spend at least 30 minutes making sure
you say goodbye to everyone in a room ...you've gone into an
unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other
AOLers ....you have to be pryed from your computer with the
Jaws-of-Life ...you meet people from AOL in public and have no
idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen
name ...your last sexual experience was really just a "textual"
experience

**************************************************

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors
were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at
a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots
the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming
quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of
effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were
several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips
the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, -
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his
first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any
sleep the night before the big game. "I was awakened at one,
two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on
the door and screaming," he recalled.

"That's terrible," said Williams. "How'd you ever get any
sleep?"

"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out,"
replied Irvin.

***************************************************

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET ON WOMEN Workplace Hazardous
Materials Information System
----------------------------------------------------------------
Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average
weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping
malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------


1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to
common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance
to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------


1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES: ------------


1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: -----------------------


1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural
state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZARDS: ---------


1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to own more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards

*************************************************


Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut
wrapped in aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time!

*************************************************

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you
have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse?
What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that
that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him
that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man
that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to
10.

The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but
I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear
is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The
doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor
also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in
a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to
10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up
to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4,
5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand.

**************************************************

Anna's mother has 3 kids... the youngest daughter's name is
Penny... the middle daughter's name is Nickel....... What is
the oldest daughter's name?

You think you know it???

Aww.. a smart one you are! You were probably thinking her name
was Dime.... but if you were really smart you would know that
the oldest daughters name is Anna!!!

**************************************************

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who
had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He
noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one
name listed, "Leroy". "Yes", she replied, "All three sons are
named Leroy."

"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.

"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply.
"Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath.
"Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get
personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last
name."

*************************************************

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further
back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and
married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker
Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly
Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

*************************************************

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a
sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate.
Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his
home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform
them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a
gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the
Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the
house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of
the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a
baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of
this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap
ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee
explains the plan:

- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;

- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using
the baseball bat;

- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained
chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;

- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered
it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it
easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;

- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back
to the zoo...

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner,
'asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

"Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever, It's
just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In
the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me
off with the baseball bat,

Shoot the dog...

What the world is like in TV land:


1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and
fall.


2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being
chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.


3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque
ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Asian people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.


26. Computers never crash. a) Teenagers can access any computer
by using their PC's. b) Computers know everything. c) The same
2 keys are used to do everything d) The user is typing
constantly just to display screens of info


27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of
blood from the corner of their mouth.


28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.


30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys,
but never stick around to see if it works.


31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four
days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.


36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the
bottom of the ninth and two outs.


37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don't do drugs.


40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are
desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.


41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when
they are in a hurry.


42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.


44. Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to
high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.


47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that
everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.


48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire
plot.


50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for
20 minutes with commercials.


51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door
without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to
drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.


52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have
to check it out.


53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person
he wants to kill.


54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant
distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to
actually catch the person they're chasing.


55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in
New York).

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on
honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing,
he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it
for you. No honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house
and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what
Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said,
"Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for
that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and
saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell
her or should you?"

**************************************************

How to identify where a driver is from...

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on
accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering
in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot
on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the
brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping
speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road
unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on
the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between
mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both
feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38
revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove
compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes
constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible
emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other
hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a
careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to
come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other
motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a
car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West
Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who
is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window
level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the
left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known
as "no-see-um" .... also seen a lot in Parksville!!!

ROFL