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Dark Legacy MUD Forum • View topic - jokes




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 Post subject: jokes
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 2:13 pm 
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this is a tread im making to post jokes and other funny things, and please dont let me see anyone posting "thats a stupid joke" or otherwise trying to flame


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PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 2:14 pm 
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now remember i am a redneck, and im from kentucky, but i like redneck jokes so anyone with a few funny ones feel free to post them, here is a funny little thing i found, and its kinda true :P

ToothBrush
The ToothBrush had to be invented in Kentucky because if it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethBrush.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 2:15 pm 
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another good one:

Dead Hick
Emily Sue passed away and Billy-Bob called 911. The 911 Operator told Billy-Bob that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Billy-Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Billy-Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 2:18 pm 
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You Know You're a Redneck if...
Your yard has been proposed as a new landfill site.

Your kid's birth announcements include the phrase "rug rat."

Your pocket knife has ever been referred to as "Exhibit A."

Your sister has a "Soldier of Fortune" subscription.

Your wife is sister and your daughter

You've ever stood in line more than 1 hour to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

Your bank checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.

You've ever stabbed someone's hand while reaching for the last pork chop.

On Christmas eve, you left Santa a beer and a Slim Jim.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 2:20 pm 
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Them Texans
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, ****!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 2:22 pm 
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Deer Hunting
Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something ... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Dec 12, 2006 2:23 pm 
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Reasons Why Windows Is Not A Virus
1. Viruses are free.

2. Viruses don't take up most of your hard drive.

3. Viruses don't need 80 megs of RAM.

4. Viruses don't have major bugs.

5. Viruses don't have three different sets of documentation.

6. Viruses don't leak info to the press about the upcoming Jerusalem 95, to keep people from switching to Michelangelo/2 Warp.

7. Viruses aren't on every computer.

8. Nobody cares if a virus turns out to be 16 bit, even though it is advertised as 32...

9. Viruses install themselves


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 7:25 pm 
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WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!"
And she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on toher hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from y our carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder. The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

What part of broke do you not understand?

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 7:28 pm 
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A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" she asks.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's
dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
"Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!" The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor. "You rotten bitch," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 7:40 pm 
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>Guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
>marched straight up to the counter and said, " Hi. You know, I just
>HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
>
>The social worker behind the counter said, " Your timing is excellent.
>We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
>chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to
>drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes.
>Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected
>to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have
>to satisfy her sexual urges.
>You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.
>The salary is
>$200,000 a year."
>
>The guy, wide-eyed, said, " You're bullcraping me! "
>
>The social worker said, " Yeah, well . . you started it."

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 8:58 pm 
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Location: Ottawa, Ontario
why did the chicken cross the road?
because i was chasing it with my tractor.



what do you get when you castrate PCs?
unix (say it out loud, if you dont' get it at first.)



how many **** jokes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
just this one.

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Check it ouuuuut


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:24 pm 
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I needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 5:36 am 
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Location: Arizona
Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
You would too if your name was Uahahahahenanel

Whats helen keller's favorite color?
Black

Why cant Helen Keller Drive?
Because she's a woman.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2007 12:52 pm 
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Location: Panama City, FL
whats black and blue but red all over..?




The mob i killed after he stole my chest i dug up! :)

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Treasure Hunter! send me a tell if ur selling any Tattered or Cryptic Maps or are selling any tomes. Refer to either me or Torrim :D
(Shrowder)
(Shrouwder)


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Fri Mar 30, 2007 6:47 pm 
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Train Ticket

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl.

At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three
women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one
of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats,
but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket,
please."

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after
the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return
trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man.

"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her
toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than
women!

:D

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2007 12:21 pm 
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She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.

He walked in.

She turned, her sad face brightening at the sight of him and said,
"You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all,
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2007 12:25 pm 
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Here is a resume for you consideration.
resimay

Deer Sir, :D

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent b e to complicaited
I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job
thru my persinalety.
My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.
hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me
taken at
my last jobb.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2007 12:39 pm 
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Nursing Home


Two old ladies, Sunny and Tina, were outside their nursing home having
a
smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette,
and
continued smoking.

Sunny: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Sunny: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Sunny hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties),
but politely asked what brand she preferred.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2007 12:45 pm 
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One for the Men: Custody Hearing :D

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody

of their children posed a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his
chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and
a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"
:lol:
Don't laugh, he won!

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2007 12:57 pm 
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A man asks a woman if she ever had magic sex. She says no.
How do you do it? He says it easy, we have sex and you disappear!
8)

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PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2007 12:58 pm 
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A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first
graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to say:

Red......................Cherry

Yellow................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange.................Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating
them, none of the children could identify the taste .

"Well," she said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, "Oh, my God!! They're ass-holes!" :lol:

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PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2007 1:05 pm 
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ALL JOKES ASIDE FOR A SECOND PLEASE!!!!

33 kids woke up Monday in Virginia and did not know it would be their last day of life.
Life is to short
So I am writing to tell you that I love you all mud players.
And Most of all i love you Celeborn and Jubei

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2007 12:39 pm 
Ex-Husband
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks, "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."


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 Post subject: correction
PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 5:44 pm 
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Zidane, you ommitted the punch line of the old lady/condom joke, which made it just kind of a lame story instead. Here it is, a little more Americanized (drugstore vs. chemist):

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?
Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Maude: Where did you get it?
Mabel: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


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PostPosted: Wed Aug 22, 2007 5:52 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2006 3:38 am
Posts: 12
Here's another that always gets a chuckle out of me (it's a bit long):

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: my loving wife
Subject: i've arrived
Date: December 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS: Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!


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