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Dark Legacy MUD Forum • View topic - jokes




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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 2:31 pm 
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haha, nice one

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 Post subject: Re: jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:30 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 11:53 pm
Posts: 117
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada
Remember When (Classic)

A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A
window was something you hated to clean.... And RAM was the
cousin of a goat.....

MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle
finger upright Now they all mean different things And that
really MEGA bytes

An application was for employment A program was a TV show A
cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano

Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank
account And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy You hoped nobody found
out

Compress was something you did to the garbage Not something you
did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be
in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip
on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup
happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web
was a spider's home And a virus was the flu

I guess i'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my
head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when
it happens they wish they were dead


************************************************

20 Reasons Why Chocolate Is Better Than Sex!


1. You can GET chocolate.
2. "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with
chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being
called nasty names.
9. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk during working
hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your
face slapped.
12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors
awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn't matter.


**************************************************

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if...

.....Tech Support calls "You" for help. .....Someone at work
tells you a joke and you say LOL .....You have called out
someone's screen name while making love to your significant
other. .....You keep begging your friends to get an account so
"we can hang out" .....you have to get a second phone line just
so you can call Domino's .....you've ever typed "drinking on
AOL is better than drinking alone" .....you have a vanity car
tag with your screen name on it .....you no longer type with
proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences
.....you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing .....when
someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
.....you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night
when your spouse is asleep. .....you know more about your AOL
friends daily routines than you do your own family's. .....you
lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain
that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook .....you
have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close
to your own .....you would rather tell people your bloodshot
eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night
on-line) .....you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out
onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one .....you
marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own
computers and chat to each other every night from across the
room .....you type messages to people while you are on the
phone with them at the same time .....you won't work at a job
that doesn't have a modem involved ....you sign on and
immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their
buddy lists ....you look at an annoying person off-line and
wish you had your ignore button handy ....you have withdrawls
if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours
....you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have
one...hehehe) ....your buddy list has over 100 people on it
....you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is
get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee ....you
wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to sign on
....you don't know where the time has gone ....you end
sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in
pen/pencil. ....your relationship online has gone farther than
any real one you have had ....you get up at 2am to go the
bathroom but go turn on your computer instead ....you don't
even notice anymore when someone has a typo ....when you enter
a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses***
....you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno
and lemme ....your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB,
leave your s/n and I will TTYL" ....you type faster than you
think ....being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult ...you are
on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say
"BRB" or "BBL" ....you spend at least 30 minutes making sure
you say goodbye to everyone in a room ...you've gone into an
unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other
AOLers ....you have to be pryed from your computer with the
Jaws-of-Life ...you meet people from AOL in public and have no
idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen
name ...your last sexual experience was really just a "textual"
experience

**************************************************

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She
wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but
was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors
were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of
one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go
out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at
a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on
catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots
the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming
quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of
effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were
several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips
the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, -
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!!!"

_________________
Nyneave Anui-Askani, She Who Ninja-Married Cerbaerrus.
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 Post subject: Re: jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:57 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 11:53 pm
Posts: 117
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada
Michael Irvin was complaining to Calvin Williams about his
first trip to the Super Bowl and how hard it was to get any
sleep the night before the big game. "I was awakened at one,
two and four in the morning by a drunk cheerleader banging on
the door and screaming," he recalled.

"That's terrible," said Williams. "How'd you ever get any
sleep?"

"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let her out,"
replied Irvin.

***************************************************

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET ON WOMEN Workplace Hazardous
Materials Information System
----------------------------------------------------------------
Substance: Woman Manufacturer: God Typical Size: Average
weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.
Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping
malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------


1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to
common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance
to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: --------------------


1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES: ------------


1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION: -----------------------


1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural
state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZARDS: ---------


1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to own more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards

*************************************************


Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut
wrapped in aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time!

*************************************************

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you
have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse?
What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

_________________
Nyneave Anui-Askani, She Who Ninja-Married Cerbaerrus.
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 Post subject: Re: jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:48 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 11:53 pm
Posts: 117
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that
that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him
that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man
that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to
10.

The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but
I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear
is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The
doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor
also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in
a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to
10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went
home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. He held the can up
to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4,
5..." at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs
and resumed counting on his other hand.

**************************************************

Anna's mother has 3 kids... the youngest daughter's name is
Penny... the middle daughter's name is Nickel....... What is
the oldest daughter's name?

You think you know it???

Aww.. a smart one you are! You were probably thinking her name
was Dime.... but if you were really smart you would know that
the oldest daughters name is Anna!!!

**************************************************

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who
had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He
noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one
name listed, "Leroy". "Yes", she replied, "All three sons are
named Leroy."

"Why would you do that?", inquired the government worker.

"It makes it much easier to get things done.", was her reply.
"Leroy, time for bath." And they all would get in the bath.
"Leroy, time for supper." And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get
personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

"Oh that's easy", she replied. "I just call them by their last
name."

*************************************************

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further
back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and
married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker
Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly
Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

*************************************************

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a
sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate.
Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his
home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform
them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a
gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the
Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the
house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of
the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a
baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of
this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap
ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee
explains the plan:

- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;

- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using
the baseball bat;

- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained
chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;

- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered
it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it
easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;

- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back
to the zoo...

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner,
'asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

"Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever, It's
just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In
the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me
off with the baseball bat,

Shoot the dog...

_________________
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 Post subject: Re: jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 9:00 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 11:53 pm
Posts: 117
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada
What the world is like in TV land:


1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and
fall.


2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being
chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.


3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque
ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Asian people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.


26. Computers never crash. a) Teenagers can access any computer
by using their PC's. b) Computers know everything. c) The same
2 keys are used to do everything d) The user is typing
constantly just to display screens of info


27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of
blood from the corner of their mouth.


28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.


30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys,
but never stick around to see if it works.


31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four
days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.


36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the
bottom of the ninth and two outs.


37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys don't do drugs.


40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are
desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.


41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when
they are in a hurry.


42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.


44. Street vendors' carts are magnetically attracted to
high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.


47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that
everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.


48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire
plot.


50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for
20 minutes with commercials.


51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door
without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to
drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.


52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have
to check it out.


53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person
he wants to kill.


54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant
distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to
actually catch the person they're chasing.


55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in
New York).

_________________
Nyneave Anui-Askani, She Who Ninja-Married Cerbaerrus.
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 Post subject: Re: jokes
PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 9:10 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 07, 2005 11:53 pm
Posts: 117
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada
One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on
honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing,
he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it
for you. No honey for a week."

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house
and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what
Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said,
"Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for
that, no butter for a week."

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and
saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell
her or should you?"

**************************************************

How to identify where a driver is from...

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on
accelerator: Boston

One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone,brick on
accelerator:California *with gun in lap: L.A.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering
in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head
turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot
on brake, mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating
between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the
brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping
speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road
unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on
the left side of the road: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show
different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between
mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both
feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38
revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove
compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes
constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible
emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other
hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a
careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to
come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other
motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a
car with Texas plate.

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window,
beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West
Virginia male.

Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who
is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window
level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the
left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known
as "no-see-um" .... also seen a lot in Parksville!!!

_________________
Nyneave Anui-Askani, She Who Ninja-Married Cerbaerrus.
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 Post subject: Re: jokes
PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2011 1:45 pm 
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Joined: Sat Aug 22, 2009 5:42 am
Posts: 31
Location: Michigan, USA
ROFL

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Cerbaerrus Askani, He Who Was Ninja-Married to Nyneave

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